"Sanjana?" I whispered, squeezing the telephone receiver in my hand. My clothes were already drenched from the rain, and I had managed to stop at a std booth to make a call.

"Bhairav Ji?" Her sweet voice answered in surprise. "Aapne itne dino so phone kyu nahi kiya!" She shrieked, almost making me go deaf.

(Bhairav Ji? Why haven't you phoned for so long!)

"Mai itni pareshan thi... Roz phone karne ko kaha tha na. Aap kabhi nahi sunte... Khair, aapne unse mila? Kahan se phone kar rahe ho?"

(I was so worried... Didn't I tell you to call me every day? You never listen... Anyway, did you meet them? Where are you calling from?)

I sighed, taking out a cigarette, "Aaj subah hi Purampat pahuncha hu... Maine Keshav se mila... Par..."

(I reached Purampat only this morning... I met Keshav... But...)

"Par? Kya hua?" She sounded concerned.

(But what?)

"Mai yeh nahi kar sakta Sanjana. Woh apni galtiya maanne keliye taiyar nahi hai," I muttered, taking a long drag of the cigarette, "Agar tum yaha hote toh Payal ko samjha sakti. Keshav ne mujhe ghar se nikal diya... Meri kya galti thi?"

(I can't do this, Sanjana. He's not ready to admit his mistakes. If you were here, you could have convinced Payal. Keshav kicked me out of his home... How was any of it my fault?)

There was silence on the other end, and I waited a while before speaking again, "Awaaz aa rahi hai ki nahi?"

(Did you hear what I said?)

"Aapne unse kya kaha tha?"

(What did you say to them?)

"Kuch nahi," I muttered.

(Nothing.)

"Kuch nahi?" She scoffed, "Main nahi maanti ki mere Thakur Ji itne masoom ban gaye hain... Sach bataiye, aapne kya kaha tha?"

(Nothing? I don't believe that my Thakur Ji has become so innocent... Be honest. What did you tell them?)

I gritted my teeth. Did she need to know everything?

"Bacho ki tarah naraaz hone keliye kuch nahi kaha tha. Keshav aaram se humare saath reh sakta tha... Aur agar Payal chupchap Jagdish ke saath rehti toh? Uski shaadi ho chuki hai... Woh kisi dusre ladke ke peeche kaise jaa sakti hai? Kya maine kuch galat kaha hai?"

(I never said anything for him to get upset like a child. Keshav could have lived comfortably with us... And what would have happened if Payal just stayed with Jagdish? She's married... How can she go after another boy like this? Did I say something wrong?)

I heard my wife take a deep breath on the other end before mumbling under her breath, "Kuch nahi ho sakta inka."

(This man is impossible.)

What the hell did I even do wrong?

"Suniye... Aap bechari Payal ko itna dosh de rahe hai. Aap jaante bhi hain ki usne Jagdish ke haatho kya nahi jhela hai?"

(Listen... You're blaming poor Payal for everything. Do you even realise how she has suffered with Jagdish?)

How was any of that even my concern? If Payal hadn't fallen in love with a thief when she was just sixteen, then maybe Paramesh wouldn't have married her off immediately. I had only helped Paramesh for the money. There were never any feelings involved.

It was true that Jagdish was a bastard. But after a point, Paramesh had threatened him enough to make him never raise a finger at Payal. He had distracted himself with other women in the meantime.

What was the need for Payal to do the same with Keshav?

He was already naive enough and a hopeless romantic. Any girl could easily sway him. There were so many fools in the village, but why did it have to be my brother?

"Aap sun rahe ho?"

(Are you even listening to me?)

I sighed, "Bekar mei teen din barbaad kar diya maine..."

(I wasted three days for nothing...)

"Aap agar sunna nahi chahte toh mujhse kabhi baat nahi kijiye!" She yelled in my ear. I didn't understand what the hell was wrong with this woman now.

(If you're not interested in listening to me, then never talk to me again!)

"Sun raha hu, Sanjana... Batao, sab sun raha hu..." I pressed the bridge of my nose.

(I'm listening, Sanjana... Tell me)

My wife cleared her throat, "Agar aapne us Barrister ki madad na ki hoti toh Payal ko shayad Jagdish se kabhi shaadi nahi karni padti. Sirf uske karan Payal ke do bacho ki mrityu ho gayi... Aapko uski dard ka andaaza bhi hai? Agar humne kabhi ek bache ko khod di toh?-"

(If you hadn't helped that Barrister, then maybe Payal wouldn't have married Jagdish. Because of him, she lost two of her children... Do you even realise the pain she is in? What if we ever had to lose one of our children-?)

"Aisa mat kaho, Sanjana."

(Don't say that, Sanjana.)

God, I hated it when she linked everything to us. Because she knew it hit me that way.

I couldn't even imagine the thought of losing one of my children. Payal had lost two... Was I really being too harsh on her?

"Jagdish use maarta tha... Uske saath zabardasti karta tha... Aur us kamine ne uske bacho ko bhi maar diya... Aur aap kaise Payal ko sab dosh de sakte ho? Agar Paramesh ko waqai apni behen ki itni hi chinta hoti, toh woh use kab ka ghar wapas le gaya hota."

(Jagdish used to hit her... He used to force himself on her... And that bastard killed her kids... How can you still blame Payal for everything? If Paramesh genuinely cared about his sister, she would have been back home a long time ago.)

Paramesh was a selfish piece of shit. He was only good at his job of giving legal advice, and nothing else. I never expected anything more from him anyway.

"Aur woh bachi thi..." My wife's voice cracked, "Uske paas koi nahi tha us ghar mei... Itne saalo se woh s-sab akele jhel rahi thi... Pehli baar koi uske baare mei kadar kar raha hai... Sirf Keshav hi kar sakta hai kyunki woh aap logo ki tarah nahi hai-"

(And she was a child... She didn't have anyone in that house... She's been s-suffering in silence for years now... For the first time someone was caring about her... Only Keshav is capable of it because he's not like any of you men-)

"Ro kyu rahi ho, meri gilehri?" I whispered in confusion, "Payal aur Keshav ki baat chodo... Tum davai khaa rahi ho na?"

(Why are you crying, my little squirrel? Forget about Payal and Keshav... Are you eating your medicines?)

Sanjana hung up. Fuck. Was I not allowed to ask about her at all or what? What did she even want from me?

I severely regretted having kicked Keshav out of the house now. If I hadn't done it, then I wouldn't have to stand in the middle of nowhere, while it was pouring heavily. It was a struggle to find proper change from my kurta pocket for the telephone booth. And if Sanjana stayed angry with me, she'd ruin her health and not let me get close to her for God knows how long.

"Kya chahiye?" My wife sniffed when I called her again.

(What do you want?)

"Jaan, suno... Maaf kardo... Tumhara rona sunkar main bechain ho jaata hu..." I squeezed my eyes shut.

(Baby, listen... I'm sorry... I get restless hearing you cry...)

Did she realise that I had bowed down to her already? Would she still not forgive me?

Sanjana was quiet for a long time, and I held my breath, dreading the monotonous beeps in case she hung up again.

"Payal aur Keshav ek dusre ko bahut khush rakhte hai..." My wife whispered, "Unki khushi se badkar kya ho sakta hai? Mujhe yakeen hai ki Payal hamesha Keshav ka khayal rakhegi. Un dono ka dil saaf hai... Aapne hi toh khud kaha tha..."

(Payal and Keshav make each other really happy... What could be bigger to us than their happiness? I know for a fact that she'll take good care of Keshav. They have such pure hearts... You said so yourself...)

I gulped, "Kaha toh tha... Dono bache hai..."

(I did say that... They are kids...)

"Woh bache nahi hai, Ji. Aap hi bataiye, woh itne dur kyu jee rahe hain?"

(They're not kids, Ji. You tell me, why are they staying so far away from home?)

"Maine ghar se bahar-"

(Because I kicked them out-)

"Nahi," she sighed in frustration, "Aapko apni galti samajh mei kyu nahi aa rahi? Gaonwale unke karan aapki aur Maa ki aur burayi na kare, isliye. Woh kabhi aapse nafrat nahi karte the. Keshav toh bas aapka aashirwad chahta hai... Aap uske liye khush kyu nahi ho sakte?"

(No. Why is it so hard for you to realise your mistake? They went that far so that the villagers don't talk ill about you or Maa. They never hated you in the first place. Keshav only wanted your blessings... Why can't you be happy for him?)

I was quiet at her words. Regret was slowly starting to eat me up.

"Do saal pehle jab aap humare paas nahi the, Keshav aksar rota tha raat ko. Maine awaaz suni hai kamre se. Woh aksar daru peene ke baad aapke baare mein baat karta tha... Woh aapse itna pyaar karta hai, Ji... Aur aapne usko hi ghar se bahar nikal diya?"

(When you weren't with us two years ago, Keshav used to cry alone at night. I've heard it from my room. He used to talk about you often after getting drunk... He loves you so much, dear... And you kicked him out of our home?)

My chest was aching even more. What had I done? He had been truly alone without me. I knew it but... I never thought about the depth of it.

Was I being selfish now?

"Aap yeh kyu nahi dekh sakte ki Keshav ne Payal ki jaan bachayi hai. Jagdish ke haatho se marne se pehle, woh khud apni jaan lene wali thi... Par sirf Keshav ke karan usne aisa nahi ki. Aapke Bhai ne puri duniye se ladi hai pyaar keliye... Usne aapse bhi ladi hai... Aap uski bahaduri ko nadaani kaise samajh sakte ho?"

(Why can't you see that Keshav saved Payal's life? Before Jagdish could kill her, she was planning on suicide... But she didn't go through it because of Keshav. Your brother has fought with the entire world for the sake of love... He fought with you as well... How can you call his bravery his naivety?)

The last time I felt this anxious was when I encountered hurdles during my two-year guise. My only worry had been whether or not I'd be able to meet Sanjana or my children. The very fear was back again... Except I wondered whether I had truly lost my brother.

"Aur haan... Aapko yaad hai jab aapne Nandlal ki madad ki thi? Komal se shaadi karne keliye. Aapne us samay sirf Baldev ki barbaadi keliye woh kiya tha... Us samay aapko sahi galat ka fark nahi dikh raha tha... Mai sahi keh rahi hu na?"

(And yes... Do you even remember that you helped Nandlal? So that he could get married to Komal. You only did it so that you could see Baldev's ruin... You never saw the difference between right and wrong at that time... What changed now?)

She was just stabbing my wound now, "Mai Keshav se jaakar maafi maangta hu, Sanjana."

(I'll apologise to Keshav, Sanjana.)

"Sirf Keshav se nahi..." She corrected me, "Payal se bhi. Aap itne budhe ho gaye hai ki mujhe hi sab kuch batana pad raha hai."

(Not just to Keshav... Payal as well. You've gotten so old that I need to tell you everything now.)

My lips twitched at her words, but I let it slide. I'd let her boss over me while I was still earning her forgiveness. I'd get my payback after returning home.

"Aur suniye..." She said again hurriedly.

(And listen...)

"Ab kya hai?" I sighed. There was another response from the other end. What was she doing?

(What now?)

"Sanjana? Awaaz aa rahi hai? Sanj-"

(Sanjana? I can't hear anything-)

I heard her kiss the receiver. Was it ridiculous that it made me skip a beat?

"J-jaldi wapas aaiye..." She was whispering so that nobody could hear us, "Aur dena chahti hu."

(C-come home soon... I want to give you more.)

She hung up. I stared at the receiver in my hand for a long time until a man knocked on the STD booth, bringing me back to my senses.

I would bring Keshav home, even if it meant begging at his feet. Pride was only secondary, while my wife waiting to kiss me became my top priority.